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Apple Secretly Run by Mentally Retarded Dolphins

Daniel Roe
Poster: Daniel Roe @ Fri Jul 11, 2008 12:59 pm

It's July 11, 2008, and you know what that means: It's the launch of the first major revision to the iPhone since it came out a year ago.

This new iPhone has some new features, all of which should've been included in the original iPhone. However, this one comes with a bonus feature that seems to be very unpopular with anti-Apple philistines.

The original iPhone was sold online, in stores, in bodegas, out the backs of vans, and traded in seedy alleyways for illicit sex acts. It was great: you could buy an iPhone, and do whatever you want with it.

However, some naughty folks decided that what THEY wanted to do with THEIR iPhones was NOT what Apple and AT&T wanted. They had the gall to actually install unauthorized software and use unauthorized carriers on their own unsubsidized phone (which they paid incredible premiums to obtain). This process is called "Jailbreaking"--a term coined by clever busy-bodies to imply that Apple are somehow acting like prison guards trying to control the actions of their users; FLUMMERY!

This made Apple and AT&T very upset. I heard Steve Jobs even cried. Now, people could send text messages and make telephone calls through the internet and these companies wouldn't make any money off it (apart from what they already made when these people bought the phone, or what they paid for cellular internet). These sons of bitches must be stopped.

Apple knows that its loyal customers would do anything to keep certain bad eggs from skirting their rules and so Apple decided that this new phone would have to be sold with a few more caveats.

To buy an iPhone 3G, you must go to an Apple or AT&T retail outlet, verify that you have a contract with AT&T, and activate your iPhone on one of their in-store Macs while a salesperson stands over your shoulder and makes sure you're not bending the rules. You will not leave the store with the item that you just paid for until a salesperson watches you activate it.

Apple and AT&T were more than satisfied with this solution and knew you would be too, so they smugly opened their retail store doors this morning to tens of thousands of smiling patrons eagerly waiting to be treated like obstinate children.

There was just one problem: Apple's activation system was not prepared to deal with the traffic, and immediately slowed to a crawl or a halt. Thousands of would-be customers are waiting in line right now to buy and can't because of Apple's new rules about in-store activation.

So how are people responding? Just listen to this satisfied customer:
Kaimac From
11am - Go to ATT Store - "Sorry no iPhones for sale, we only had about 40 of them", I go home.

7:45pm - Friend calls from Apple Store in Norfolk saying they still have 16GB White and Black iPhones, no line....get in car and go.

8:30pm - In the store buying two new white 16GB iPhones.

8:35pm - Apple reps says when they try to process my order, ATT has my account locked for no upgrade on iPhone eventhough I'm and iPhone 1 owner. Apple says to dial 611 on my iPhone and have them check their system.


9:05pm - They Still can't check me through the system at the Apple store, 16GB iPhone blacks are gone and they only have a few 16GB whites left, two of which are sitting in front of me and I can't buy them.

9:15pm - Apple manager comes over and says I have to come back. They take the two 16GB iPhones away from me and sell them to someone else. I leave.

Steve, You have a major problem with this ATTpple business model when I can't go into your stores anymore and buy an iPhone without ATT saying I can. ATT controls this whole buying channel for you and the experience sucks, plain and simple. [...] Seriously, I left with over 650$ of product sitting at the register because ATT had and error in their system and said I couldn't buy YOUR product. What a joke. I won't be back to upgrade to a 3G anytime soon. [...] Service like this will eventually catch up with you, it always does.
Now onto the software updates released today!:

As I mentioned in my 10 Second Review of the iPod Touch, I have recently become the owner of a new iPod Touch. The 'Touch' is basically an iPhone without the cellular capability, and therefore another weapon in Apple's arsenal against their users.

Along side their new iPhone, Apple has released a $10 software update for Touches and Phones which, get this: grants you the privilege of buying 3rd party applications from Apple's store. By the way, Apple admits to collecting 30% of all revenue from all 3rd party applications sold.

What chrome-plated balls these people have.

The Touch update has other features that seem pretty good, plus it probably has some bug fixes, so I sought about updating the thing. However, I don't have $10 in my bank account... so what do I do, then?

Luckily, Apple's full of evil, but not full of evil ingenuity. They accidentally released the update via unprotected HTTP. Apple has since removed the file, but not before thousands of Touch owners downloaded the 200MB update without paying for it.


With Apple's stock hiccuping and Touch users having dodged the latest Apple-Tax, I must say it's not a good day for Mr. Jobs. Let's hope he doesn't throw a tantrum and make OSX10.6 a mandatory upgrade to be released tomorrow.

Keywords: Apple  Iphone 
Comments: 1  •  Post Comment  •  Share Share Top
1m1w Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:01 pm
Apple is the only company known to be capable of reducing fully grown albeit emotionally stunted and unstable human beings into that spoiled little whore from Willy Wonka. You know, the rich girl who "Wants it, wants it NOW!"
This phenomenon has no discrimination in regards to gender, race, age, IQ, sexual prowess or veganicity and can strike at any time. It is sad to see such a noble and virile creature such as a Level 10 Vegan succumb to such general bastardness, but then again... for a touch screen... wouldn't you? Aren't we all just a few hundred dollars away from wanting it? Wanting it now? Be it a squirrel, a goose or some overhyped and annoyingly marketed peice of electronic shit shat forth from the collective asses of two hundred and thirty-three NON vegan cyborg bastard children in Malaysia we all wants it.
I dub this bullshit appleomb for it is the exact opposite of aplomb and this being the most opposite of opposite days accord(ian)ing to my opposition which also lusts for haptic feedback enabled media players which are really just uncleverly disguised magnets for thievery and consumer elitism (THE BEST!THE BEST!)
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Bio: Daniel Roe
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Daniel is Medical Resident from the southwest US. Prior to medicine, he worked in IT as a consultant, programmer, web designer/developer, and technician.

Health, music, economics, libertarianism, computers

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