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Daniel Roe
Poster: Daniel Roe @ Mon Oct 13, 2008 7:32 pm

STEP 1: Write a blog entry about "HOW TO GET MORE PEOPLE TO READ YOUR BLOG"

- Bloggers have no lives, so making a post like this which targets bloggers will get a lot of hits from these people who have nothing better to do.
- A blogger's main problem is that nobody gives a shit what they have to say, and subsequently never visit their site. Therefore, this issue is sure to attract the maximal amount of people.

STEP 2: Steal some BS about how you need more photos and better layouts, maybe even write your own BS (if you're the creative sort).

- Possibly put in something about marketing and using advertising as an investment which will almost certainly never pay off (don't tell them that, they don't want to know).
- Originality is not important, but plagiarism is not a good idea. Just reword everything said on another site and change the order.
- Bloggers don't actually need blogging tips, as blog promotion is totally futile to begin with. More importantly, they're probably too lazy or lacking in resources to actually do anything you suggest, they're just looking for that "magic thing" that's going to cost them no money or time but will propel them into internet celebrity. They'll ignore everything else, and therefore won't be able to recognize that you're just saying the same thing over and over again.

STEP 3: NEVER EVER EVER mention that the primary reason nobody's reading their blog is that it's totally useless and nobody has that kind of free time, aside from other bloggers.

- Also don't suggest they blog as a creative outlet, as most of your audience will not be creative, and would lack content ideas if not for their desire to boost their own ego.

STEP 4: Make a YouTube video promoting your blog. This is tough to do, because you have to actually show that you're a human being capable of conversing in a recognizable and coherent dialect.

- If you are unable to speak in a way that does not throw others into paroxysmal cough/vomit spasms, DO NOT ATTEMPT!
- Most bloggers are incapable of human speech, so showing that you are will earn you their respect enough to listen or read, at least for a few minutes.
- Make sure to look comfortable, and maybe have an expensive computer monitor in the background (off, of course, because you're not actually "at work" right now). You can buy defective monitors for cheap, so touch up the paint a little and you have a low-cost prop to bolster your image as a laid-back successful internet superstar.

STEP 5: Ignore the fact that you are totally unable to come up with original content, and are therefore peddling more of the same tired "Blogging Tips" these people have seen a thousand times.

- Avoid the realization that you yourself couldn't do what you're "helping others" with. Not that it's a bad thing, as you're still probably not as vapid and dull as most of these idiots.
- Whenever anyone asks "So where's your successful blog, douchebag?" simply delete their comment from your website.
- While you're at it, post fake testimonials on the front page, and maybe a few from stalker nutbar sycophants. Just remove the words "love slave" from their more pithy unpunctuated star-struck diatribes and it may be good to print.


Keywords: Blogging Tips  Blind Leading Blind  Blogs Suck 
Comments: 2  •  Post Comment  •  Share Share Top
Hank Mon Oct 13, 2008 9:10 pm
One, two.

One, two, three, four.

Noinge, noinge, noinge.

This piece may be the most meta yet on the whyre.
1m1w Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:00 pm
But plaiyjerizm helps me compensate for the miniscule pecker that God-in-his-infinite-wisdom endowed upon my masculine Mormon meat-entity. Also, tits, nothing injects pure awesome into a blog faster than hunks o' boob wit' nip' atop 'em. When in doubt... plagiarize tits.
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Bio: Daniel Roe
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Daniel is Medical Resident from the southwest US. Prior to medicine, he worked in IT as a consultant, programmer, web designer/developer, and technician.

Health, music, economics, libertarianism, computers

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