Latewire
It's 4am somewhere.
 
Register (free)
Grab Twitter Feed: Latewire / Coughlin
Username: Password: NVR4GET
«· Previous Article || Next Article ·»
Survival in Crabtown = impossible

Hank
Poster: Hank @ Thu Jan 08, 2009 8:17 am

I returned from a relaxing vacation in icy Indiana to discover that, as usual, every and each doggone thing in the universe had rearranged itself into the configuration most cleverly calculated to cause me distress, agony, and terror. After a bad, comfortless night back at the ranch, what I really needed was to survive yesterday with at least 20% of my mind and body intact, go home, and tumble down the blissful black Slip-N-Slide of exhaustion to land peacefully in the inflatable tar pool of utter conkitude. Instead, what I got was a 15% cell-survival rate and a barrage of late-night calls, the latter cunningly spaced to ensure that just as I returned home from each call and entered the hazy, hopeful interzone of near-snooze, the demonic Motorola would again erupt and untimely rip me from the womb. This brutish Satanic comedy culminated in a 3:45am call which, by the time it was resolved, left me too spent to drive back home -- especially since I'd only net, at very best, a couple hours' sleep before the evil twang of the 'Spartus' alarm clock pierced the dew. Therefore, the past few hours have been spent, variously :

Curled up on the floor of the unheated office building, attempting not to have all the thermal energy sucked from my carcass by a carpet that, as far as I can tell, is woven out of superconducting fibers.

Listening to classical guitar on the Internet radio, and wondering if one can listen to smug virtuoso Ana Vidovic without being a sick creep, or if her marketing tactics alone make downloading her version of 'Five Bagatelles' essentially equivalent to sauntering into the local 7-11 and asking for the latest issue of 'Barely Legal'

Reading the Latewire

Looking up information about Aline Crumb and her 'comix' work, which apparently predated her meeting with current husband R. Crumb.

Doubting the possibility of surviving another 12 hours

Trying to type, but finding my fingers to be immobilized from extreme cold

Warming up fingers by gripping microwaved mug of water, then burning self as water splashes

Thinking about potato pancakes and wondering if it's going to be possible for me to fake consciousness for the remainder of the day


The lesson here, folks, is : whatever it is that you're counting on to alleviate the agony of being, it's probably going to to be absent when you most need it. The only thing that will be there when you need it is the great pain valve : LATEWIRE

(76,346)
Comments: 1  •  Post Comment  •  Share Share Top
1m1w Thu Jan 08, 2009 4:15 pm
When in doubt... ALWAYS potato(e) pancake it. This advice may be applicable only to future occuring somnolent disturbances and should be immediately discarded in the entirely likely event of a Schedule-VI Hangover.
«· Previous Article || Next Article ·»

Not working? Try this.
Bio: Hank
User avatar
Site Admin


Location:
Mezzanine

Website:
http://Latewire.com

Occupation:
Insomniac

Interests:
Avoiding slumber


Best Of Latewire
- 3rd Party Payer: How Gov't Made Healthcare Unaffordable
- Is Russia behind the global terrorist epidemic?
- Intern Hell
- S&P's Torrid Love Affair With The Government
- Green Subsidies Destroying Energy Market & Environment
- Why Economic Stimulus Doesn't Work (Latewire Original Video)
- The Season of Reason
- Happy Holidays from your pals at Latewire
- The Healthcare Disaster and Why Obamacare Will Make It Worse
- Video: Interest Rates, The Fed, and History Repeating
- Urban agriculture : Planning your vegetable garden part V
- Urban Agriculture : Planning your Vegetable Garden part IV
- Why The Government Wont Rescue The Dollar
- How the US Government Is Destroying the Dollar -Latewire Vid
- Governing Crazy: Broken Minds & Alcohol
- Urban Agriculture : planning your vegetable garden part III
- Urban Agriculture : Planning Your Vegetable Garden part II
- Urban agriculture for self-reliance : garden planning pt 1
- Why Bailouts Are Stupid (Illustrated Version)
- The Great Depression II, The Making of
- MySpace: A Place for The Damned. Part 1
- Happy Birthday, Latewire! I wrote you a song.
- The Worst Movie Ever!
- Best Long Island Iced Tea EVER
- Everyone loves a top 10 list.
- The Good Ol' Days
- I got your subject right here:
- Male members must represent, like you didn't know.
- Photo Radar: An Extravagant Way To Screw Ourselves
- The Inadequacy of Hope
- TV Companies WANT YOU... to Pirate
- The Gettin' Place
- 46 & ***
- The White Whale


Top 15 Keywords
- Alcohol (12)
- Apple (18)
- Bailouts (31)
- Bernanke (11)
- Economics (27)
- Food (22)
- Goth (13)
- History (12)
- Mac (12)
- Music (23)
- Obama (15)
- Poetry (19)
- Poison (11)
- Slavery (12)
- Snakes (29)

Links
- Latewire Latewear-Shirts&Stuff
- Snatchies Underthings
- Grief Brothers Band
Our Parked Domains:
- Latewire Video
- Poison-Free Diet
- Inflation Hell
- Policy Horn(DUPE)
- Policy Walk(DUPE)
- Policy Reader(DUPE)
- Faux Future(DUPE)
- Scarewire(DUPE)
- Urban Agriculture: The Road to Self-Reliance
- Urban Agriculture: The Road to Self-Reliance(DUPE)
- Urban Agriculture: The Road to Self-Reliance(DUPE)
- Urban Agriculture: The Road to Self-Reliance(DUPE)
- Interview With Dr. LSD
- Dr. LSD(DUPE)

cron
© 2008 Latewire.com