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In the Gravest Extreme : Emo Trends Update 2009

Poster: Hank @ Fri Apr 24, 2009 6:38 pm

The state of the emo art has continued to mutate in the time since Latewire published the breakthrough enthnography "Emolution" last year. When we last reported on our observations of the North American emo in its wild habitat, the pinnacle of sartorial emeosis in the male of the subspecies was typified by the display of colored briefs beneath sagging girl jeans.

This year, the plumage of the dominant emo male has shortened somewhat. Those who recall the blistering popularity of tight "clamdigger" trousers amongst mainstream human females circa 1997-2001 will undoubtedly be little surprised to learn that clamdiggers are back. Except this time, they're seen on the haunches of the emo male.

Multiple independent field sightings in the metro Phoenix habitat confirm that the emo male is sporting tight clamdiggers, generally in black, with alarming frequency. These have been recorded with and without accompanying stripey knee-high "wicked witch of the West" socks. One particularly thrifty emo specimen was observed at a Costco warehouse store in the 85284 zip code on 04-22-2009, buying bulk quantities of trail mix and lint rollers wearing the following uniform :

-Black Army-style cap
-Dyed black hair worn longish, reminiscent of the wimpy guy character in "Doom Generation"
-Very large ear-'gauges,' approximately the diameter of a typical woman's bracelet
-Several other facial piercings; all piercings filled with black acrylic jewelry
-Grey "ironic / non-associative logo" T-shirt
-Copious tattooing
-Black clamdiggers, very tight
-No socks
-Black skate shoes, laced

This latest development -- the male clamdigger -- can certainly be seen as the natural evolution of the girl-trouser phenomenon. One possibly significant difference, however, is that whereas the girl-trouser look has been observed across the entire morphological spectrum of the emo male, the male-clamdigger plumage has only been observed on the most extreme ectomorphic specimens. Whether this is attributable to the fact that the ectomorphs tend to spearhead the evolution in general (due, it has been hypothesized, to the need to augment the scant corporal appearance with impressive plumage), or whether this represents a true "silliness floor" for emo appearance remains to be determined. If any readers of this publication observe fat emos wearing clamdiggers in the field, please email with geographic and other specifics of the sighting, along with photographs or field sketches if available.

Interestingly, the mate of this particular emo was also observed, and displayed an appearance that took the "looking old is cool" aesthetic to new edges. In fact, our man in the field reports that for the first several minutes of observation, he believed the mate to be in fact the subject's mother, until a "Ferris Beuller" style embrace persuaded him that this was the mate. Large amounts of hairspray held wiglike masses of dry hair high in the air, and 80s-style huge sunglasses complemented the shapeless-yet-revealing black clothing that showed off enough of the emo torso to confirm that the typical 'traditional' tattoos covered most of her upper body skin. This specimen, determined after intense observation to be not more than 30 years old, appeared at first glance to be at least a decade older. This may represent an emerging trend for camouflage among the female population, possibly to facilitate the purchase of alcoholic beverages, or possibly to evade the greasy, limp sexual attempts of the young of the species.

Keep your eye on this publication for more arresting, unprecedented observations from the field. The only way we can successfully control this invasive population is by understanding it.

Keywords: Emo 
Comments: 3  •  Post Comment  •  Share Share Top
1m1w Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:58 pm
Oh Doom Generation... Wow, what strange fresh manner of hell minion Greg Araki must be to be able to totally massacre a phenomenal Slowdive track with some freakishly retarded shock-cinema vomit. Ah, but that is a great song regardless of any connection with young Rose McGowan and the not-so-ambigously gay duo. If my love for Blue Skied & Clear should ever make me an emo, shoot me some clamdiggers 'cos you all are gonna see one hell of a geoduck trouser imprint. I dunno about those tattoos & ear gauges though, my body doesn't need any excess damage done to it.
Daniel Roe Sat Apr 25, 2009 6:51 am
is emo still around? How do they expand in numbers when they refuse to have heterosexual intercourse?

Are they like those flatworms that mate through penis fencing?
Hank Thu Apr 30, 2009 10:07 am
Big points for geoduck reference

"Dig a duck a day"
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