what with the resurgence in interest in all things zombie related & the hollywoods & whatever else i just thought it would be a good goddamn time to set you fuckers straight on some straight up survival tactics to ride out the undead apocalypse & fuck shit up in the process what youre gonna need first & foremost is a motherfucking berserker someone who can weather the hordes & pack supplies to your posting spot when shit gets low cos yeah sniper mode is the way to rock it but sooner or later youre gonna need some fucking ammo & who the fuck is gonna trudge through the gutters with a useless fucking empty gun so here is a pretty fucking basic berserker setup what you need is 2 legit ass solid clawhammers a suit of chainmail a motorcycle helmet & two camel backs one full of vodka & one full of water now the crucial element of the berserker setup is that the motherfucker is gonna need a constant & steady slow drip of some serious opiates to slow his metabolism & ease the edge off the pain/keep that bitch brutalizing as he makes his way through the shitstorm to capitalize on some supplies the clawhammers make much more sense than a katana which is what everyone wants to rock until they realize that that shits gonna get dull from choppin so much fuckin bone all goddamn day long so you need a blunt weapon that can shatter skulls easily & still be ready to rock a hundred more if the berserker can get sniper backup then that shit is pretty much set legit at that point but the potential of a horde rushing your berserker is something that can only be contained with a highly tactical & practical nade tosser as the flamethrowers will just fuck your situation further & further so be sure to rock those rooftops with catwalks & whatever else you can improvise or throw together the key point here is to if at all possible support your berserker who is your lifeline now rooftops are the way to rock it if indeed you are tryin to stay alive get some plants growin as soon as possible on that shit & build some water collection tanks/dew stills to keep your asses hydrated & capable of fucking up some deceased flesh now the best spots to post upon are gonna be chain stores that stock the kinds of shit you need hopefully not located in extreme urban areas that are gonna be looted right quick once shit goes down just set up shop on top of them shits & keep the entrance down to a single stairwell if possible to maximize security & neutralize rushes its advantageous to keep your camp mobile in case supplies dry up or greener pastures expose themselves for the possibility of exploitation but just keep the thought in the back of your mind that home no longer exists & nomadic destruction is the only thing that will save your worthless soul pillage like a fucking Viking & live like a goddamn dog probably best is to take inventory once shit goes down & make a list of nearby homies that you can assemble into a team particularly the motherfucker that likes to get piss ass drunk & shoot his guns cos you know that fucker was born for the fucking life you now be livin & he comes strapped legit capable of takin care of his shit but once you have a good trustable team of 3-4 you gotta find the aforementioned post spot & get chillin now to alleviate the boredom there really aint much if you can post on a costco or whatnot you might have enough available gas to power a generator but in dire straights you aint gonna use that shit to play no armored core or nothing you gotta conserve your fucking shit like a niggardly miser probably the best way to kill time is with alcohol what with the liquid bread & all you can keep your calories up as well just be sure to chug your vitamins whenever you can & now that you got a post spot it comes down to keeping your berserker well nourished & satiated as he is the motherfucker thats gonna be carryin the team no matter what so basically the moral of the story is provide for what supplies you or be fucked but once you start fearing the faded flesh the game is called & over (6,426)
I had about 30 minutes and wanted to write an article about why government bailouts are inherently stupid, but I didn't have time to write it in language for people who didn't already know economics to understand. Instead, with the aid of Google Image Search™, I came up with this series of incoherent drawings which I've now wasted too much time on to throw away. Enjoy!
Share
